The Poo Poncho

It's a common fact that bubs are really good at eating, sleeping and pooing. They are certainly arts that will never be lost. Lachlan has particularly been 'experimenting' should I say, with the poo process. For a while now he's been testing just how long he can hold it in. I think he is trying to make publication in The Guinness Book of World Records, he may not make it but I think he might be a contender. His longest records has been 16 days when he was 5 months old. His dad and I had never so eagerly anticipated a poo as much as that one. Every time a little noise came from his nappy we would excitingly sneek a peek to see if the gates had finally opened; but there was nothing. We began to dread what the sight was going to look like when it decided to make its appearance.
A week went by and we were scared, two weeks went by and be were terrified. We kept thinking, how much can a small, little baby hold? Then one Sunday evening when I was singing pat-a-cake with Lachlan, his cheery face began to look very serious. It was the face that parents know too well. It was day 16 and the time had finally come. Being the smart parents we are, we decided to wait it out before we rushed to the change mat. After five minutes of silence we decided it was time to survey the damage.
I have worked with children for well over a decade and changed every kind of nappy imaginable. My husband on the other hand is a novice. Nothing could have prepared him for the sight he was about to encounter. As I undid the snaps on Lachlan's cloth nappy I braced myself for the unveiling. It was as if the little man dropped the A-bomb. He had definitely called out all the heavy artillery and unloaded all his ammo. He laid there in the soiled mess as his parents stared at his accomplishment in shock. I was stunned and somewhat impressed, I must admit. The look on my hubby's face was priceless. Lachlan on the other hand was quite proud of his work. Before we knew it he began moving his hips from side to side as if he was dancing the rumba. The sound of the squishing and sloshing will forever be imprinted in my mind. He giggled and laughed as his little hips shook providing sounds effects as we tried to get him all cleaned up. When he was born people called him Elvis. He had thick brown hair complete with sideburns. He now has the gyrating hips to go with them. He was so elated. We were just relieved that he was relieved. I'm sure in his mind he was thinking, "Thank ya, thank ya very much."  I figured well, it can't get much worse than that. I was wrong...
A week later I was feeding Lachlan one morning and he wasn't acting quite like himself. He was passing up his scrumptious organic apple puree which generally is not like him. He is an excellent eater (as proven by all the waste build up!) I tried several different times to offer him his breakfast but he wasn't interested. He didn't even want to breastfeed so I knew something was up. I checked his nappy and low and behold there was the problem. I took him to the bathroom and laid him down on the change mat. When I undid the snaps and took a look I was relieved that the mess was very manageable. I reached over to grab a wipe and as I'm holding his little legs up, more starts oozing out like a soft-serve ice cream machine. I yelled, 'Crap!' (no pun intended) as I saw that I needed to push his nappy under his bum more before it gets on the mat. I raised his legs a little higher to do so and like a car back firing, poo came shooting out of his tail pipe at mach speed. Instinctively, I leaped to the side to get out of the way and then suddenly I heard a splat. I turned around to figure out what just happened and I find a Lachlan Original splattered all over the wall. The boy had gotten some definite leverage! Worst of all, he hit a built-in vent. ''That's going to be fun to try to clean out between all the slats,'' I thought.
I looked down at Lachlan who just stares at me as to say, '"What? Did I do something." I'm just a little bit shocked as I've never seen poo fly throw the air like that before. I glanced down at my pants and it appeared that my cat like reflexes weren't fast enough. I stood there with poo splattered on the side of my leg. Now this, Lachlan 'gets'. This he thinks is funny and he starts giggling and doing his little rumba dance again. I call for my husband to come in from the garden and help me. He so obliviously walked into the bathroom not expecting the sight he sees. After all, it looks like a group of monkeys decided to have a fecal fight on our tiled wall and I just happened to be the monkey in the middle.
My husband stood there jaw-dropped for a moment and then left. I thought 'Geesh, this guy has a weak stomach.' He returned with a camera and stated, "I am taking pictures so that when this little guy is older he can see what he put his parents through." He then began photographing the scene of the crime. Due to the graphic nature of the photos and for fear that my child may disown me someday when he is older, I have decided not to post them.
Before you know it Lach is in the bathtub and daddy is cleaning up the mess. I don't know how I lucked out on the easy bit, but thankful none the less. I just can't help but to feel that part of this could been avoided if only I had some sort of poo poncho. It doesn't have to be anything fancy just something like what the Gorton's Fisherman wears. You know, bright yellow that shouts, "Aim, here! Hit me!" It would at least contain some of the mess. Some long wadders would be good, too. You could just hose down the area afterward and not worry about getting your shoes and socks wet. And of course, the yellow hat with the ear flaps would be handy for those poos that are really self-propelled and get altitude. Who knows, a handy item like this could make millions!