Prepping Bub... for Bub!

Years ago I used to volunteer for a non-profit organization called First Steps while I was studying at university. First Steps offers several services to parents and children, one being a support network for moms who have just given birth in the hospital. A volunteer such as myself would visit the mom and dad in the hospital, provide them with information and answer any questions they may have regarding carrying for their new baby, breastfeeding and post-birth recovery. We would then follow up with the parents for three months after birth to ensure the family is doing well and to offer help if the mom develops postpartum depression (PPD). The family was given a parenting bag with heaps of brochures and samples of baby products. New parents really appreciated the visits and were very interested in the information provided. Seasoned parents generally had the attitude of 'been there, done there.' After all, they are pros now! There was one brochure however that made them perk up whenever I took it out of the bag; it was on the topic of sibling rivalry. Second or third time parents would take this brochure and chuck the bag on the other side of the room. They often had many questions or told war stories about how their first born drug the second born through the trenches and wanted to avoid any casualties with the third. I would sit and talk with the mom or dad and offer guidance on how they could involve the siblings in the new bub's routine which would make them feel important, unique and needed within the family unit.

But what about before bub is born? Often parents are not offered guidance on how they could prepare their existing child for the arrival of his soon-to-be brother or sister. Sure there are a few children's books you can buy with titles such as ; 'When Baby Comes Home' or 'Becoming a Big Brother' etc. These are a start but more can be done. In fact, most parents don't even think about making preparations beforehand. Generally they have a whole list of things for Junior to do after the birth such as; help feed or bathe the baby. Pregnant moms anxiously await for the moment when they can set the plan in action and wonder how it will all pan out. But how about right now while the baby is in utero? Don't kid yourself if you think that your child doesn't have a clue what is going on. He may be too young to understand what is exactly happening to your tummy, for all he knows mommy has just been dipping into the ice cream one too many times or wants to try out for sumo wrestling. He does know however that something is different. How can he not? The air in the room changes with a pregnancy--mommy's tired, mommy's sick, mommy's happy, mommy's sad. The hormones alone change the mood of your home. You may not believe it but I'm sure your hubby or older children will set you straight! Also we begin to use the word 'baby' a lot and not just 'baby' but 'the NEW baby.' Young children who do not know opposites might not think anything of this terminology but children who have mastered this might just start to wonder. "If this is a new baby, then what's the old baby." If they think they are the 'old baby' it can cause some issues for them. We don't for example want a child to think he's going to be sent to sleep in a box in the garage with all his 'old' pairs of shoes! Sounds silly and ridiculous to us but it is amazing the ideas that children come up with in their heads.

So what can us pregnant mommy and daddies do? It is really quite easy and I'm sure if you had some more free time on your hands you could come up with a lot of things all on your own but since you are here I'll share with you some of the things Lachlan and I have been doing:

1) Read a story to the baby. To say Lachlan and I read 30 books a day would be an understatement. Since reading is an obviously huge part of our day it makes since to incorporate bub-to-be and allows Lachlan to share something he loves with mommy's little (at the moment) bump. Lachlan always picks out stories from the shelf for me to read. Now when he is finished I ask him if he would like to pick one out for the baby. I expose my belly so Lachlan is clear that we are reading to the baby and we read the book for bub. This is wonderful as soon the baby will be able to hear and can enjoy the sounds of his/her mommy's and big brother's voice.

2) Sing songs to the bump! Do this the same as with the books but offer to sing a song to the baby. Lachlan for example loves finger playsongs. 'Round and Round the Garden' is one of his favourites. When we sing to the baby we tickle my tummy and make my belly button the little house.

3) Follow your child's lead. This is probably the most important thing of all to do! Don't push any of the above on to your child. He'll become interested in the baby when he is ready. If he doesn't want to share his story time with the baby then don't force him. Perhaps he sees that as a really special alone time with you, which may also carry over after the baby is born.

4) Play pretend! I would hope that you all have a doll for your child to play with or at least a stuffed toy that he can pretend to feed, put to sleep, take for a walk etc. I introduced the majority of these pretend/social toys when Lachlan was able to sit up and right away he began feeding his doll or putting Ted down for a nap. A little baby doll, especially one that can go in the bath is great. You can demonstrate to your child how we play gently with the baby doll. Children will imitate what you do so if you hold the doll gently they will be more likely do the same. We mustn't also forget about the sense of sound. Moms naturally talk to their babies in a special universal language called motherse; you may know it as 'baby talk.' Mothers instinctively change their tone and pitch of their voice to talk to their bubs in a more calming and soothing manner. Demonstrating motherese with a doll to your child is a great lesson. Your child will learn that we 'shhhhh' babies to help them sleep and sing to them very softly. Overall if you introduce all the above well before bub arrives home, you will have a sibling who is much better prepared for the new addition. It simply can't hurt and at the very least your child will have participated in a lot of social-emotional play for the day which has countless benefits to development.

5) Make big changes now or prepare to wait! If you are planning on making a big change that will affect your child such as; eliminating a pacifier, stopping co-sleeping or switching to a toddler bed or swapping bedrooms; do it long before the baby arrives. One thing we don't want to occur is for your child to associate a change that he may see as negative or unpleasurable, to the baby. For instance; if you want your child to be pacifier-free when he is two and your baby is due around that time, don't wait until then to wean your child from his paci. Children can only handle a certain number of stressors at a time. Remember that any change, whether it is good or bad, is a stress. It affects us physiologically and psychologically. Whether it produces adrenaline or the stress-hormone, cortisol, it will elicit some effect that can be difficult to cope with. If your child is weaned from his pacifier several months before bub arrives then you can be more confident that there will be smooth sailing in that department. You do however have to be prepared for the 'reverting back' that might occur is he is having a hard time coping with bub and then wants his paci again! That's were all this pre-prep for baby comes in handy. Of course, you may also decide you want to just hold off on such changes until after the bub is born and that is fine too. Just know it might be a long time afterward when you feel your first born can handle such a change and by then you might be having another one on the way! Bottom line is to think ahead and if there are changes you can make now that will save frustrations later down the track, then consider putting them into motion.

Well, that's all from this mommy's kitchen table. Our little prince is stirring from his afternoon nap. We'll share more ideas as we continue through our pregnancy journey with Lachlan. Hopefully I'll get my act together and post some videos with some finger plays for those parents who have no clue what I'm talking about! :-)